


Losing You

by noaoats



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: 25913 times y'all, Angst, F/M, chat is not okay after desperada, deserada, gamer 2.0, hop aboard the sad train, ladybug is not okay after gamer 2.0, op was not okay after writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 07:31:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20542409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noaoats/pseuds/noaoats
Summary: "Do you have any idea what it's like to keep watching you die?"Post-Desperada and Gamer 2.0.inspired by galahadwilder'stumblr post





	Losing You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GalahadWilder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalahadWilder/gifts).

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to keep watching you die?”

The question caught him off-guard. The two heroes had been caught in the rain while patrolling and had taken shelter on a rooftop pavilion. It usually housed extra seating for a restaurant in the building, but it was late at night and the business had closed hours ago. Ladybug despised the rain and was sitting at a table near the rooftop entrance. Chat Noir, meanwhile, was as close to the rain as he could get without getting drenched. His feet were up on a table, but he lowered them to turn to her. “Pardon?”

She was looking down at the table, making it difficult to read her face. “When we fought the akuma yesterday… Gamer 2.0. You sacrificed yourself so that I could rescue Max.”

“I did.”

“Why?” 

There was a subtle desperation to her question that betrayed how upset she was. Chat stood up from his table and made his way closer to her, heart heavy as she turned again to keep her face hidden. She had never been comfortable with disclosing emotions. “Ladybug, you are the only one who can cure the akuma. I _had _to sacrifice myself. Besides, I know you. I knew that you’d bring me back.”

“But what if I hadn’t?”

He had reached her table at that point and sat down across from her. The rain was still pouring, and it clattered loudly against the tin covering over the tables. “Where is this coming from?”

She sniffled. “I’m just so tired of watching my best friend get hurt. It’s already so stressful knowing that I’m responsible for curing the akuma, and that I have to fix everything afterwards. Everyone puts me on this pedestal and expects me to be perfect. And then every time I try to do what’s right, I run the risk of losing you.” She finally lifted her head and he could see how red her eyes were. “Do you know how much it hurts to keep watching your partner die?”

_‘Yes._’ He wanted to say. He wanted to scream it from the rooftops. The battle against Desperada had occurred only last week, though his sense of time was still skewed from the endless Second Chances he had cast. The fight had lasted for months, and he had spent it all alone and in misery.

Thunder clapped and he was thrown back in time to the first loop. He had been ecstatic to be chosen for a Miraculous- Ladybug wanted _Adrien! _She believed in him! It was exciting to be a hero under another suit, but he was more thrilled at spending time with Ladybug as himself. She had laughed at his puns and held him close while they hid from Desperada. Watching her get hit had knocked the confidence out of him, though, and he was sure not to waste time flirting after casting Second Chance.

Another boom overhead and he remembered loop 50. At that point he had completely lost his sense of humor. He had watched Ladybug die 49 times, and it was taking a toll. He was anxious, keeping her close as they tried to navigate Paris without getting caught. It didn’t matter in the end. She always died.

Loop 358. He had convinced Ladybug to try leaving from another manhole on the other side of Paris. “You’re so smart,” she had told him, smiling shyly. “I’m really glad I picked you for the Snake Miraculous. I knew you would wield it perfectly.” The smile had still been on her face as she suddenly vanished before his eyes.

1,723. They hadn’t bothered leaving the sewers that time. Instead, they had set up an ambush below the entrance they knew Desperada would use. “Such a good plan!” Ladybug had praised. She had held his hand that time. “We’ll get her for sure!” Neither of them had expected for her to use another manhole to sneak up behind them.

12,299. Adrien had been desperate at that point and revealed his identity, hoping that the shock would create some kind of disturbance in whatever forces were determined to take away his lady. She gasped while they sprinted, but his admission of love made her stumble. She turned to yellow dust while he cried.

15,346. They hadn’t made it twelve seconds.

18,227. He didn’t care about the battle anymore, he just wanted her out of Paris. Of course she hadn’t accepted his pleading. She had comforted him, assuring him that she would be fine. Paris needed her. She didn’t understand that he needed her, too, and that she kept leaving him.

20,623. 22,466. 24,142. The numbers had begun swirling in his head at that point. The only thing keeping him grounded was Plagg’s begging to take off the Snake Miraculous. But Plagg didn’t understand- Ladybug had chosen him. She _needed _him. He kept failing, but he would try as many times as he needed to in order to keep her safe. She never chose wrong.

25,913. 

He couldn’t. Adrien couldn’t do it anymore. He had failed. Ladybug said that she understood but still looked confused, and he barely kept himself from falling apart as she gave the Snake Miraculous to Luka instead. It had been months of watching her die- watching his _best friend _die- even as she continued to praise him. She would never know how long he had spent losing her over and over. He had joined the battle as Chat Noir but fled as soon as possible afterward to collapse in his bedroom. He had sobbed for hours.

And now Ladybug, the best friend he had lost 25,912 times, was asking him if he could relate to her pain. Chat wanted to break down and find comfort with each other. He wanted to talk about how he felt, about how she felt, about the misery they were both constantly put through in this stupid battle for the Miraculous. He wanted so badly to connect with her over their experiences with loss and to grow stronger knowing that the other would be okay.

But he couldn’t. Because the same girl crying in front of him had also demanded that they never share their identities with each other. And even though they had been partners at the time, Chat Noir hadn’t been the one losing Ladybug.

It had been Adrien.

She hiccuped, and he swallowed the heavy lump in his throat down. _‘Yes,’ _he cried in his mind. But what he said was, “No. I don’t.”

She wiped at her eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought it was something that I could deal with but I’m having a lot of trouble with it. I know it’s just part of having the earrings but it’s not fair. I can’t… I can’t keep watching you die, Chat.”

“I’ll try to be more careful,” he promised. His voice was hoarse, but she didn’t seem to notice. “If I had to watch you die over and over, I’d… that sounds like torture.” He could feel his eyes watering and hastily blinked them to keep back tears.

Ladybug suddenly stood up, knocking her chair over in the process. “I’m sorry, I need to go. We can’t patrol like this, anyway. It’s not your fault, but I need to be alone,” she said. Tears were streaming down her face, and it took everything in Chat not to spill his secret as she stumbled away and swung off the roof.

Then he was alone in the pavillion with the rain thundering overhead. And he cried.

**Author's Note:**

> :(
> 
> fr though 25 thousand times??? that was TOO MANY


End file.
